friends of kilgraney   

News diary
Autumn 2006
Those of you who read this page, or stumble on this by accident, will have noticed that it hasn't been updated for ages. Issues such as the Tsunami, & Sven's debacle have slipped into more distant memory. Sadly, in terms of the horrors of the first, & fortunately in terms of the absurdites of the latter. The normal reasons, such as the hecticness & pace of life are to blame... as less essential aspects of the website get pushed to the back of the list. Still, in other areas, the website and business are blossoming, with wonderful ranges of new railway sleepers, 1000's of photos of new projects on our 'Project photos' page, courtesy of yourselves, & a general sense of excitement & wellbeing.

our latest ramblings and very occasional news
 





 

 

ALL the LATEST!
LAUGH
of the
MONTH

Past news stories: ~ A wet celebrity summer ~ The great wall progresses & the wolf stays ~ Struggling in mud and the arival of a wolf ~ Kilgraney music festival to topple Glastonbury! ~ Kilgraney goes to Monte Carlo ~ Death at Kilgraney ~ Arms for sleepers scandal ! ~ TV appearance ~ False start ~ BBC book ~ Olympic diving hopeful ~ BBC to merge with Kilgraney ~ Public Apology ~ Chainsaw massacres ~ Secret talks with Nottingham Forest ~ Vehicle protest ~ Bombs and Trojan horses ~ 'Holywood star slain by Kilgraney avalanche!'

Tsunami
2005

The horror of the tsunami was perhaps a reminder of the awesome and indescriminate power of the natural world, and the inevitable suffering of the poorest and least protected, whose lives were destroyed in minutes. In contrast it seemed almost insensitive to carry on with almost the trivia of life - the xmas decorations, the squabbles over the remote control, party games, opening beer and presents, new year resolutions, let alone mentioning the sad decline of Nottingham Forest. But maybe that's how people cope with pain, fear and helplessness. They immerse themselves in the every day. Cooking, shopping, moaning, gossipping, and complaining about the decisions of referees.. !


A wet celebrity summer
SUMMER 2004

...Brad Pitt's on the phone to us... ... Big Brother's in our Jacuzzi
One day hot, one day cold. Sun, rain, floods, gales.. the usual unpredictable summer.
All hats off to those landscapers who struggle on. Our busy internet site brings in a wealth of warm praise & orders from all over Europe & the UK, with an increasing selection of exciting and unusual projects including
'Troy', 'Big Brother', Leeds Music Festival, Theatres, Flower shows, & hundreds of brilliant garden, construction and furniture projects. How lucky we are to be part of what you are doing, and thankyou for the digital pictures you send to our 'projects page'. Keep them coming ! They're fab!
The annual Kilgraney summer holiday was taken amongst crashing Cornish waves, Pembrokeshire sands, and the background of Portuguese football fervour, that promised so much, yet somehow deflated at the vital moment.
.. and Sven's just about hanging in there.. !
Forest's pre-season American tour, set up to benefit Pinacle Insurance, seemed to be likewise disappointing, and threatens to spill over into the season proper, following friendly defeats to Middlesborough and Spurs. That sinking feeling again ! Thank goodness our offer to sponsor Nottingham Forest several years ago was rejected - at least we can sleep at night !.. unlike Sven.


The great wall progresses, the sun comes out & the white wolf finds a new home
SPRING 2004
It never ceases to amaze me when the warmth of spring arrives - as though I've forgotten of it's existence over the dreary winter. A thought clearly shared by hundreds of gardeners who now contact us with their exciting projects that have taken shape in armchairs over the winter... raised beds, retaining walls, steps, playgrounds, benches, fireplaces, decking... they all come tumbling out from the long cold nights of eager planning. From Junior schools to Army assault courses, Dubai to Dublin, goat sanctuaries to stately homes, 'Big Brother' house to national magazines, a string of creative ideas & designs continued below...The Great wall of China has almost finished, after an enforced winter break. A momentous project for the inexperienced band of enthusiastic diggers. My thanks to all for creating a wonderful garden. Just the final planting to go.
Nottingham Forest have decided to join the excitement of spring time with green shoots of their own. A new 'head gardener' has plugged the spiral of non-scoring and dreary losses, and encouraged a brightness and confidence that has pulled them out of the relegation doldrums. Only time will tell whether Jo Kinnear has green fingers.
Bruno, the visiting wolf, has decided to make Kilgraney his permenant home, after a few tasty visitors. He has learned to round up customers and encircle the forklift, and is very welcome.
A big thankyou to all those who continue to send us digital photos of their projects. We are creating a wonderful resource.

Struggling in mud and the arrival of a wolf

AUTUMN 2003
Well, the wet & the wind has finally ended the driest spell since records began (they always seem to say that) which is bad luck on landscapers and all those commissioned in building Kilgraney's 'The great wall of China', and 'The great wall of China 2' Luckily all the main trench and construction work was completed before the down pour started. Struggling in mud has also spread to Nottingham Forest , Kilgraney's team, who's results have taken a nose dive, despite our fervent support. In fact, if Forest were a landscaping project, they'd be abandoned half way through, or kicked off the site. No goals, no wins, and sliding towards the abyss.
On a brighter note, Bray, our supposedly ferocious guard dog has invited his cousin Bruno (seemingly a white wolf) to stay for a few months, and eat a few visitors. He is very welcome. Damp November, a quiet time for landscapers is still busy, with sleepers & poles leading the enquiries from builders,architects & councils etc.. The end of a busy year.


Kilgraney music festival to topple Glastonbury !
....
SUMMER 2003
A summer that's been hot hot hot, with increasing streams of eager landscapers and gardeners from all over Britain. Our internet landscaping site is attracting thousands of visitors, and we now seem to supply a wider range of sleepers than any other company in Britain. More TV appearances have included 'Garden Invaders' with Charlie Dimmock, Channel 4's 'Demolition day', Reading and Leeds Music Festivals, Redbull Bike Challenge, and the world famous Kilgraney Music Festival, the current rival to Glastonbury(!)
Clearly knighthoods all round are on their way!

It's an exciting busy time with telephones, faxes and e-mails constantly going. Sleepers and landscaping materials are being transported all over Britain and Europe, and the world seems immersed in gardening fever! Still, no summer would be perfect without the Kilgraney annual holiday. Last year we were the guests of Monaco, and this year we took up residence in Barcelona and the Cap de Begur. A feast of idyllic swimming, burning sun (42 degrees), evening terrace restaurants, and striking Catalonian architecture. No holiday is obviously complete without railway sleepers, and the holiday pics included raised beds and steps from the beach village of Sa Riera.
Incidently more and more of you have been sending in your photos of garden projects and creativity using our railway sleepers and landscaping products. A big thankyou !
It's really useful for people waivering at the planning stage to be inspired by what's possible (and not!) Please be patient if you don't see your works of art appearing on our web-site for some weeks - it will eventually, and your moment of fame will have arrived ! Celebrity status is guaranteed as Charlie Dimmock, Dirmuid Gavin Alan Titmarsh all use Kilgraney materials. WARNING they may try and steal your designs in their coming gardening programmes. Watch out and insist that you are invited to appear as guest landscaping consultant..... Well, it's nice to dream !
PS. We've always tried to maintain a tongue in cheek element to our web-site, despite the expansion of our business into the universe, & we hope to continue in this vein. Please remind us if we take ourselves too seriously. After all, they're only just old bits of wood !


'Holywood star slain by Kilgraney avalanche!'
April / May 2003 What a frantic period, in which we've scarecely had time to update this news page as we've responded to a huge number of enquiries and orders. An exciting time in which we've delivered all over Britain, and even Europe, as our Internet presence generates yet more customers. Clearly it would be churlish to complain about such healthy progress, yet at the same time it's brought pressures and new challenges which can be both time-consuming and demanding.
Warner Bros have ordered
yet more wheels to support their Trojan horse epic 'Troy', that's being released in a year or so. "Will they hold the weight ?" we are asked by an anxious producer, terrified of a vision of 50 tons of cascading tree trunks flattening dear Julia Roberts or whoever takes the part of Helen of Troy. Mind you, that would add to the melodramatic quality of the blockbuster - 'Holywood star slain by Kilgraney avalanche!'
Talking of blunders, we must apologise in public to a very tolerant Grant, who's wall was rearranged by an overeager delivery of a sleeper.. and thanks for the incriminating photo ! (to be published soon, on our 'how not to do it' section). One of the problems about expanding our business, is that we inevitably use outside hauliers, whose enthusiam is not always matched by their precision. Sorry.
Thankyou to all of you who supported us through the ectacy and agony of Nottingham Forest's play-off drama. The culmination at Brammell Lane, Sheffield, was emotionally uplifting and obliterating in equal measures. Thanks also for the condolences from the Brighton and Hove Albion supporter, who certainly knows about suffering. Incidently, Forest finally decided to accept the Multi-million sponsorship of 'Capital-one' rather than the less lucrative benevolence of Kilgraney. It was a close battle, but despite our generous offer of free railway sleepers per goals scored, we were spurned.
Latest latest creosote news: the implications of the partial creosote ban are still unclear. Sleepers WILL still be released for sale by Railtrack and also WILL still be imported into this country after June 30th, so rumours of empty supermarket shelves are false. Clearly creosote treated sleepers should now not be sold to schools, play areas and public places, where there might be 'excessive skin contact with creosote' but at the same time it is green light as usual for professional and industrial uses, which include: agricultural, railway, forestry, fencing, harbours and waterways and electric power transmission and telecommunications. Governmental advice to Kilgraney recently acknowledged that private use of sleepers in private gardens was argueably still acceptable.

Bombs and Trojan Horses
March 2003 A sunny spring whilst bombs drop on Iraq. There's a surrealistic quality to planning raised beds and adventure playgrounds during war with another country... an eerie contrast of one population donning gardening gloves, and the other gasmasks. May it be over quickly.
Strangely enough we had an enquiry and purchase of sleepers from the Prime ministers office, but I don't think it was for the war effort. We did however supply Warner Bros. with huge turned tree trunks to support a 50 ton Trojan horse for...
their forthcoming epic 'Helen of Troy' filmed in Malta, and then Mexico. (I hope we get tickets to the world premiere). Speaking of world firsts, we also provided a telegraph pole to be climbed on the set of a international theatre company 'The David Glass Ensemble', for a new play about apes, humans and communication. Wait a minute.. war on Iraq.. prime ministers's office.. trojan horse.. communicating apes... there's got to be some connection somewhere.
Showing a confusion and a distinct lack of communication is the recent possible banning of creosote treated sleepers. See 'our materials' ...Railtrack is supposedly not releasing any used British sleepers that they take up from the track, after March 30th. They will be stored somewhere and eventually disposed of, through whatever means. June 30th is meant to be the actual ban day in this country, according to the European parliament, for creosote treated sleepers. However there's masses of uncertainty. What about untreated sleepers, like Jarra ? What about salt treated sleepers ? What about imported graded creosote sleepers that are designated for landscape or construction use ? Lots of uncertainties... and most people in the business scratch their heads with incredulity. Will there be midnight raids of sleeper depots, or a shady blackmarket with sleepers being exchanged on isolated waste grounds for cash in brown envelopes. Will there be a sleeper mafia with turf wars on old railway sidings ? Who knows.

Vehicle protest
Feb 2003 The odd rattling from the engine in our trusty local delivering landcruiser, became an excited pinging, like a fly inside a lamp shade. The visiting mechanic swore that he'd never heared such a noise in all his life, and was awake at night thinking about it (as if we believe that !) Finally the clutch went on the hill up to the farm ('Devil's drop') on the way home from Nottingham Forest beating Crystal Palace 2-1(which softened the blow, as we walked home in the ice). vIt turned out that the flywheel had exploded, and could only be replaced by a part from Belgium, which of course would take 2 weeks to collect In the desperate mean time a replacement landcruiser was frantically sought from London, and normal service was eventually resumed, after the postponement of several local deliveries. Sorry. On a completely different issue: - Last week we were offered railway sleepers from Zimbabwe (described as 'Rhodesian', a dubious anacronism in itself). Should we buy or boycott railway sleepers from Zimbabwe ? Is buying them supporting a corrupt regime, and empowering Mugabe, or does it enable trade, and the trickle down effect to those empoverished ? If you feel strongly, let us know your thoughts. Write to us .... See letters section in 'Landscaper's window'.

International enquiries
Jan 2003. A year or two ago, this time of the year would have felt like a holiday.. a quiet time to plan, take stock, do the accounts and get away for a break, whilst Jo Public warmed themselves in front of gardening magazines and seed catalogues, from the safety of the armchair. This year, a surprising (and welcome) stream of enquiries and orders have continued unabated. Initially we supplied only to the midlands, with the occasional foray into darkest London. Now we are quoting for customers throughout the UK, Ireland, Norway, Australia, Israel, USA, Syria, Yugoslavia etc.. An exciting time, with our web-site reaching thousands of international vistors.

Xmas cheer
Dec 2002. November's wetness has been replaced with ice, a frozen yard and failing forklift batteries. The height of excitement has been the discovery of millions of hibernating flies in the decking packs and the delivery to and long wait at a local sewage plant ! Not to mention Nottingham Forest losing both their away games, which may put question marks over our sponsorship deal. Tough!
On a brighter note, we wish you all a restful festive time over xmas and new year. We've appreciated meeting you and seeing your projects come to fruition. Thanks.


Kilgraney in secret talks with Forest
Nov 2002. It's been so wet and windy. Stoical professional landscapers have to carry on (heroicly wading in their flooded trenches) but most home gardeners are battoning down the hatches untill better weather. So, a quieter period for us, and space to create a new section: NEW special items.

BBC Pebble mill have used our new 6" diameter poles on 'Housecall' (21/11/02) for a tree house. 'The Times' also rang up wanting to know more about our sleepers and where they come from, for an article on recycling materials, and a student from Oxford enquired about the life of a
.railway sleeper, for a thesis or whatever. Another natonal journalist consulted us about a rumour that the Government is stockpiling sleepers for a potential foot and mouth outbreak. So, Kilgraney is clearly in the public eye, and readily available for any measured comments, whether on the firefighter's strike, impending war on Iraq, or celebrity 'Big brother'. Incidently we've had many requests for wood from striking firefighters, but none for help with wage negotiation (Kilgraney Industrial Conciliation Service). Just ring us!!
Nottingham Forest FC are successfully performing with confidence and flair, and are making up for many dismal afternoons watching them in the last two years. Kilgraney are negotiating with Forest to take over from Pinacle Insurance as the club's principal sponsor in the Premiership. Talks are taking place at the highest level. Rumour has it that the quiet 'Bridgford End' stand will soon be renamed the 'Sleeper end'. Special season ticket deals may be available to Kilgraney customers. We'll be in touch.

Olympic diving hopeful trains at Kilgraney
Oct 2002.
Never try a backwards freefall dive off a stack of sleepers. (Me trying to load up the trailer with scant regard for health and safety) It's still exceptionally painful after 3 weeks, & visits to hospital, chiropractors etc.. Joking apart I was lucky not to break my hip, back etc... Still at least I can contact a 'no win, no fee' agency, and sue Kilgraney for negligence.
We've spent several weeks re-designing the web-site, with hopefully beter pictures, and more areas of interest. Soon we will be offering you railway carriages, sleeper furniture, sculptures etc.. followed by Kilgraney food, cars, financial services, crude oil, processed uranium... and finally world domination. What comes after world domination ? Retirement I suppose.

BBC to write book on Kilgraney
Sept 2002
Season of mist and mellow fruitfulness. Why didn't I get all those jobs done in the summer ? As usual I intend more than I achieve !
Good news - the BBC are putting us in a forthcoming landscaping book as one of their suppliers. Quite a relief, I've been expecting them to sue us any moment.
See public apology
Pepsi, in all his exhuberant glory has left us. He's bitten Bray several times and is not interested in being his soul mate. Sad, but he'll live happily within his new one dog family, with no competition. Bray has blossomed in his absence. Peace has returned to the farm.
Business news: There are no immediate plans to float Kilgraney on the stock exchange. We've turned down a merger with Marconi.

Who wants a YELLOW Ferrari ?
Kilgraney goes to Monte Carlo!

August 2002
Annual holiday - a wonderful week of warm azure seas, delicious harbour restaurants, and life with an energetic and uncrowd-pulling Renault "twingo" that valiently managed breathtaking mountains and impossible parking amidst the rich and exotic of Monaco. Treading water and facing those vacational musings: why do I work, why do I live in Nottingham, why am I getting older, why have I ended up with a Renault "twingo" ?

My relaxed state of being predictably disappeared in 24hrs following return, amidst e-mails, faxes and frantic messages of Rock festivals wanting telegraph poles, lorry drivers getting lost and 'Pepsi' eating my boots, lunch, and biting Bray.

Death at kilgraney
Sad goodbyes and hectic hellos

July 2002
Jet, our supposedly ferocious guard dog died of a kidney failure. A laid-back gentle being, certainly more effective at sleeping than guard duty. Much missed. Held him as he was put to sleep - a moving gentle moment that made me wish that maybe some human suffering could end in a similarly dignified way.
Pepsi, an abbandoned two year old Labrador has joined the Kilgraney empire, armd with wilful enthusiasm, an ability to steal my lunch, and endless energy. I fear he has been sent to test my patience to breaking point. Bray seems to agree. He eats the post, chases after cars, and shows little respect either his elders or the established English way of doing things. He humours me.

ARMS FOR SLEEPERS SCANDAL !
US spy planes over Kilgraney 'front'

June 2002
Reports from our website show that we've increased from about 1,000 'hits' a month to 37,000 in May. The print-out also shows that 174 'visits' were from Belgium, 2 from Denmark, 31 from the US government, and 72 from the US military. Explain THAT please !

We've already passed the longest day of the year, England are out of the world cup, and Wimbledon is upon us. E-mails have come from as far away as Canada and Estonia, and Edinburgh airport even sent someone down to pick up 6 sleepers. (Can you believe that ?) Our fame obviously proceeds us ! Generally we've had more and more enquiries from outside the midlands, and correspondingly more long distance deliveries. This month we've sold to scultpers, golf pros, chief constables, football managers and many other dodgy characters.

We've brought in several new types of sleepers, including some brand new industrial oak from France, and some attractive reclaimed Norwegian pine sleepers. We've even been offered half a million sleepers from an enterprising person in the Czech republic. Can you imagine the pile ? Maybe that's why the US is interested!

On a sad note, Jet our ferocious and loveable labrador is ill, suffering from kidney failure. Bray (see pic) seems very lonely, and we are seeking a new friend for him. Equally ferocious of course !

TV appearance
fame at last

May 2002
Well, we intended to write up our latest news on a regular basis, and here we are, 6 weeks later, having written nothing. Same old story of deliveries, orders, paperwork (we went VAT registered in Jan) and general hecticness. Our friend Vernon now helps us out several days a week with deliveries etc.. and is much appreciated. We may have to take on someone to help with admin, but at present we're just keeping head above water. We've been trying to increase and widen our stock, together with streamlining the woodyard, to make it more friendly to visiting artics and people. Some sleepers now come directly from their source in Europe, rather than a middle person in Britain.

We've bought a newer JCB forklift to accompany our trusty 1960's Bonser, Volvo and Massey Ferguson. It's got unheard of luxuries like windscreen wipers and heater. Clearly we'll all become soft in our now pampered state.

We appeared on television recently (well, our sleepers did!) courtesy of the BBC, Duirmuid Gavin and Homefront. "These fine oak sleepers" he was heard to utter, along with "God they're heavy!"

False start
sorry

April 2002
This page is so new that we haven't even managed to put anything on it. Sorry. It's been one of our busiest weeks in the year so far, what with beautiful weather and forthcoming bank holiday weekend, and hundreds of gardening plans and grand ideas about to be conceived, so all our web site work has been put on hold. We'll write more when things calm down. Please write to us if you have any queries or complaints or praise or anything you want to share with others.


BBC to merge with Kilgraney(well..not exactly !)
BBC's 'Homefront' programme used 120 of our new oak sleepers recently to create a multi-decked affair, by Duirmid Gavin. Here, courtesy of their website are a few pictures:

Decking 2 courtesy of BBC ..... Decking 3 courtesy of BBC ..... Decking 1 courtesy of BBC
It's curious
how visitors to kilgraney have responded to the BBC's bit of theatrical landscaping. Either adoration or bitter scorn... 'fantastic','inspiring' or 'ridiculous', and 'a waste of money'.
...a bit like their reaction to the royal family !


Dear Duirmuid was heard to say that they were 'fine oak sleepers' (clearly a personal recommendation !!) an opinion not shared by those unloading the lorry, who laughingly complained that they were 'bloody heavy', and must be at least 100 kg each. Actually only 70, but who cares ! The finished glittery project, so amazingly expensive, would not have been out of place on a west end stage, yet perhaps a little strange in the chosen setting. Still, hats off for daring imagination and ...oh yes.. for buying from us ! Thankyou.



The man speaks:

"Kilgraney Farm is one of the finest suppliers of sleepers I have ever met, and every one of my projects in future will include them. The web site is so amazing that it taught me more in an hour, than I've learned in years. It is to Kilgraney that I owe my success.."
Duirmuid Gavin

Public apology
We apologise unreservedly. The above comment is fictitious and we regret any offence it may have given to Mr.Gavin or his family. What he indeed said was that the sleepers were "heavy" and "fine oak sleepers" and this in no way meant we could gratuitiously peddle his name as supposed recommendation and hope to con a few sales out of it... not to mention 'borrowing' artwork off the BBC's website. Sorry.
There is, we hope, no connection between this and the current investigation of Kilgraney, by the US military. (see shock proof)

Chainsaw massacres
1) Cutting sleepers, poles and timber on site is invaluable. Yet we're amazed at how many landscapers pay £10 every time their chainsaw blades get blunt (which can be often if you do a lot of cutting or hit stones or nails etc..). Why? Why lose money and the use of your saw when you can sharpen it yourself on the job in 5 minutes, for about 20p. That's all it costs. One file for about £1 will sharpen your saw 5 times or more. The total kit will cost you about £10. (File, file guide, portable vice). It's not rocket science. We'll even show you !
2) Who are we to criticise fellow professionals !... but really... some of the knackered saws that limp to the yard, with dangling blunt blades, and users who strain life and limb to cut something with the top tip of the saw (One of the definite NO's in chainsawing). Be careful out there. Consider a chainsaw course if you haven't done one. You'll learn how to stay alive, as well as sharpening, changing chains and servicing. It'll also give you a licence to use it in a public place. Well worth it

Laugh of the month (1) A naval story
Our local library recently handed us this copy of a radio conversation:
A naval story
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet.
We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Laugh of the month (2) Railways and Romans....
Did you know that the US shuttle design was determined by
the width of a Roman horse's bottom ?

- The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.
- That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
- Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.
- Why did the English build them like that?
- Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
- Why did "they" use that gauge then?
- Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
- Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing ?

- Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
- So who built those old rutted roads?

- Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
- And the ruts in the roads?
- Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. The Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story... When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's bottom
....Source unknown

Laugh of the month (3) Kilgraney to corner old shoe market
The last thing I would want to do is laugh at people trying to speak or write a foreign language - especially as the British are particularly lazy and arrogant in this department. Their version of communicating with someone from another country normally extends to speaking louder, and shaking their heads with incredulity when stupid Johny Foreigner looks bemused. The idea of old blighty writing letters in another language is highly unlikely. Anyhow, we received a wonderful spelling mistake the other day that made us chuckle, so here it is..
Dear Sir,
I'm referring to the advert of your company in the Internet. I buy and sell used slippers of various kinds.
I would appreciate some more information about the slippers that you're offering. Israel

Laugh of the month (4) Horse s**t or what ?
1) Do you know any anagrams for 'Kilgraney's well-rotted horse manure' ?
2) do you even know what an anagram is ?
3) do you even care ?

(Anagram = Juggling all the letters around in a phrase to make a completely new one that still vaguely makes sense)
We stumbled on a curious site - www.anagrammy.com - that seems to relish in finding anagrams for phrases it comes across. Anyhow, for some unknown and bizarre reason it had decided to focus on the phrase 'Kilgraney's well-rotted horse manure' and had come up with eleven anagramatic alternatives. Can you believe what people do with their free time and grey matter ? Did they have a meeting to decide on this literary phrase ?
Anyhow, here they are !!
Kilgraney's well-rotted horse manure =
The raw smell reeks in your garden lot

Dung-like smell was yet another error
Old workmen ensure really great shit
Earthworm's dungeon literally reeks!
Tremendous growth's, like, really near
Grower naturally hides monster leek
Loner really re-worked mustang shite
Our, well, rather strange donkey slime
Raw stallion dung. Others merely reek.
We'll shortly market reindeer's guano
Eaten slowly. (Not like Shergar/Red Rum!)
.
Thanks to: www.anagrammy.com


Laugh of the month (5) Test Your Brain: Alzeimers' eye test
1) Count every "F" in the following text

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS..

HOW MANY ? Scroll down the page for answer)

Laugh of the month (6) More Brain Stuff . . . From Cambridge University

O lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
if you can raed tihs psas it on !!

continued....Laugh of the month (5) Test Your Brain: Alzeimers' eye test

WRONG, THERE ARE 6 !!-- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go back and try to find the 6 F's before you carry on reading.

The reasoning is such:

The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.

Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy.!
And keep them occupied
For several minutes..!


Laugh of the month (7) Traffic warden revenge ?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town and
went to a small shop on the High street. I was only in there for about 5
minutes.

When I came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. I went up
to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a
break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a stupid jerk.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having
worn tyres. So I called him a pathetic loser. He finished
the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a monkey. I came into town by bus. I try to have a
little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age

Laugh of the month (8) 'Man used track as pillow'.
Wooden beds made from railway sleepers look great, but it helps to take them off the track first


The man used the track as a pillow and had his feet inches from the live rail at Epsom, Surrey.
Trains were disrupted and police filmed the former company director, 48, from a helicopter as he slept in March.
Neither the sound of the helicopter nor passing trains could wake the man, who admitted obstructing the railway by neglect. Redhill magistrates heard that a train went past the man's head, but he did not wake up.

The defence said the man had no memory of what happened.
The court heard staff had to switch off power and thousands of people on four routes were affected by delays.
Pc Keith Board, of British Transport Police, said: "I've never seen anything like it in all my years of policing.
"Trains had to stop running and the power was turned off so that police and emergency crews could safely get to him."
He said staff had been "astounded" at what happened.
The man was fined £560 and given 180 hours' community service.

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